Brian Bjelde

In 2025, Brian Bjelde joined the Trump administration with a superstar background. 

During his 21 years at SpaceX with Elon Musk, he showed that he can get the job done and keep the bros entertained. A twofer. 

Did Bjelde really offer instructions on how to spank his butt in a company video? Now that’s flat-out hilarious. But wouldn’t you know it, members of the humorless sex took offense. And sure enough, Bjelde was named in a lawsuit for promoting a culture of sexual harassment. 

Of course, Bjelde pissed off a lot of bros too. He served on a committee that fired 80% of Twitter’s workforce. Simply X’ed them out. Talk about efficiency and cost savings! Who knew that 20% of the staff could take on 100% of the workload? Just imagine what Bjelde could do for the US government!

But there’s no need to imagine. As a senior advisor in the Office of Personnel Management, Bjelde is credited with OPM aiming to cut its staff by 70%. And he got half-way there.

Best of all, he and his DOGE pals got their hands on the personnel database holding the Social Security numbers of every federal worker. Who better to guard sensitive employee data?

Alas, the federal government can’t retain such talent for long. Bjelde’s back at SpaceX, where he runs HR for xAI and X too.

Spankings anyone?